Let me tell you about my friend Debbie and........indecision.
Debbie is not a hoarder, but she has so much "passed down" stuff it weighs heavy on her mind. She has 2 generations of "this was my Nanny's relish dish, this was Momma's teapot, etc., etc." She had several full cabinets of kitchen hand me downs, when she asked me to help her clear out a couple of the bulging breakfronts and choose things to give away, I agreed.
That was two Summer's ago.
Let me clue you in about my dear friend. She cannot make a decision....she has NEVER been able to make decisions. I discovered this when we were about 15. When we'd go to the local strip mall, she'd try on everything in her size and come home with nothing! I moved to Atlanta for 20 years.......when I moved back, not only was her indecision about style and clothes it now included almost everything else.
Once we went to Walmart to buy flowers for Spring planting. She lured me in with "you have the degree in Environmental Horticulture and all," (flattery will get you everywhere, ya know?) So I took the bait.
We wandered aimlessly thru the perennials then the annuals. I filled up 2 shopping carts for her selection.
"Ok, these will work for your area.......now chose 6 or 7 flowers," I beamed with Georgia Master Gardener pride. She flashed me that deer in the headlight gaze, you'd thought I had just asked her to conquer world peace or at the least run Microsoft!
Forty-five minutes later she still faced 2 full carts of flowers. She had not chosen a single one! In my mind It was 1966 again, and we were at "3 Sister's Clothing Store," shopping for prom dresses. There were 14 beautiful dress on a rack, she'd try each one on, twice. "I think I should try ALL of them on again," she suggested, "They just got prom dresses in at Chester's let's go over there!". Did I tell you she drove me crazy back then?
After an hour of my careful and expertise "flower choosing", she was nowhere close to making a decision.Finally, I chose 6 plants from the 2 waiting carts, went to the cashier, placed those plants on the counter, paid for them and started for the door. "Ya know....I think I'd like to change the begonias, for the day lilies, what do you think Wanda?"
"I think I am STARVING, we missed lunch because you have spent 2 hours picking out flowers, that I HAVE ALREADY PICKED OUT FOR YOU! NOW LET,S GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT!!!" I was weak from malnutrition.
"Ya know, I'm hungry too.....let's go to Captain D's,....... or we could just stop by Mc Donald's, but it's probably crowded, Mallard's Cafe' has a good meat and 3, or we can make sandwiches at home...but we'll pass Taco Bell too!"
Patience is not my strong point, at that moment I had to remember that the murder of your best friend, no matter how annoyed you get with them.....is a crime punishable by law.
Out of nowhere she added....."The little store up here makes really good PIZZA TOO!!!!"
As we crossed the parking lot I was convinced I could easily just push her into the oncoming traffic, but then I remembered I had loved her for nearly 35 years by then, she was family, even if we don't share the same DNA and she always did make me CRAZY! ;D
And now the epiphany..... I had just agreed to help her filter through 2 cabinets of memories and two generations of "this reminds me of" keepsakes! It would be a test of strength in deciding which daughter-in-law gets what and what would be donated to charity.
"Take me now Lord, and spare me the agony of this fresh hell!!!" My prayers fell on deaf ears.
We started early and with each piece of glassware a story was attached. The big transfer ware platter had a brown turkey stamped in the middle. The platter had served Thanksgiving dinners for 67 years. The diamond cut salt and pepper shakers had been held by numerous elderly arthritic, shaking hands. The glasses held gallons of sweet tea on long, hot, no air conditioned summer days. Debbie's mom always remembered everybody's birthday, her cake pedestal was there too. The silver dish that held butter mint's for baby showers......well, it was still bright and shiny as if it were waiting for the next pregnant mother's party. The more we rambled through these memories, the less we found to give away. The need to live an uncluttered life today could not change the weighty bonds of Debbie's past attachments. velvet prom dresses
We managed to get all the things into boxes;
Box #1: Give to the daughters-in-laws. Would they even want any of this stuff. These mismatched pieces were not part of their history. How could they be expected to assign any importance at all to this jumble of dishes. Perhaps they would. Save it for them anyway.
Box #2: Give to Goodwill. It held less than 6 items. Precious memories, articles held dear to the heart. Destined to be sold for pennies to strangers who would never realize that the serving spoon they were buying (for a quarter) served homemade, peach ice cream to hungry kids as far back as 1940. Nope, too important to part with, move this spoon to the keep box. Let's see, Debbie just might need the "silver over copper tray." Move it to the keep box.
And lastly,......Box #3, 4, 5, and 6....things to keep. These things are tethered to Debbie's childhood. She closes her eyes and she hears the blessing over Sunday dinners. She could still hear someone say "pass the deviled eggs, please." She can still recall the spicy smell of the red velvet cake stored in the plastic Tupperware cake holder.
Cooking was so important then.
Cooking held the family together.
She can no longer see the item, the spoon, the plate, the out dated hand held egg beater, but she does see her Nanny scrambling the fresh eggs at breakfast when she was 8 years old. She finds 2 perfectly folded starched and pressed aprons. "Is it possible these still smell like my Nanny's perfume?" She looked at me in wonder. She held one to her face. "This one...she wore it on Sundays."
Debbie still cooks a huge dinner for the whole extended family on Thanksgiving. She spends a week before doing her yearly cleaning for the 5 hour visit. I think Nanny and Mrs Ina Lou (her grandmother and her mom) are prideful and pleased with her carrying on their traditions.
After all this, she is usually ordered off her feet for several days by her Dr.
With tear filled eyes she looks at me, no words are spoken for a few seconds.
"I can't....not yet" she says.
My voice trembled. "I know...it's too soon."
"Almost 20 years since my mom died and when I hold her cake knife, it's like I'm holding her hand."
I felt it. Her mom was incredible. I miss her too.
"Having 3 boys...will they even feel the attachment to this big bowl Nanny used for cucumber salad? They won't remember that this saucer is the one POP used to pour his hot coffee into. He'd blow over it until it was cool enough to drink. Folks just don't do that anymore, do they?"
She lowered her head, "I know I make you wonder about me....do I really have problems with decisions? I should just throw all this stuff in a box and take it all to the dump!" she was annoyed with herself now.
"Ya know Deb, your decisions spring from your heart, in hindsight maybe that's a good thing. You hold on to the love." She confessed some of her decisions were not the best and maybe that's why she doesn't trust herself. "Two heads are better than one," she laughed.
"Remember Debbie, we're allowed a few do-overs in the span of a lifetime, it says so in the Bible! Besides that, I've always tried to run in front of you and kick the stones from your path." She hugged me.
The mood was getting too dark, quick say something funny, I thought.
"Come to think of it you can't make quick decisions, but I can't do the Whip OR the Na-Na, the Hustle or the Mashed Potato and I never could Shake a Tail Feather.....but you....you're just an old dancing fool, like Fred Astair in a pair of capri pants and clunky sandals!!!"
:D
(We all have our own expertise, ya know?)
Her reply to me was simply....."And you've never been long on patience and you're a little too bossy."
:D
Touche' !
We put the de-cluttering effort on hold.
****************************************************
Confessions?
Did I tell you.....boxes #7 and #8, well......they came home with me.
Nanny's apron is resting in a drawer at my house.
:)
****************************************************
Thanks friends, for letting me bend your ear again.
Wanda
Click on the picture below you'll find my inspiration for this story.
Boomer parents: 'One day, this will all be yours.' Grown children: 'Noooo!'
csmonitor.com